Tag Archives: Life

Just on the other side…

 

Mornings are bleary.

Nights hurt like hell.

The in-between is lack luster.

Something is most definitely missing.

Being forced into the grieving world, one I’ve never been in like this before, is like being pushed into a pool during a Vermont winter’s night.

It stings. It shocks. It numbs.

Even though I know how to dog paddle, swim, and even breast-stroke,  I can’t quite get to other side. Through the flaying arms of grief, through trying to float on my back, through the tears of fear, I need a life-saver.

There are these moments– sometimes, they’re only 30 seconds… sometimes, they’re 30 minutes… but not much more– these moments quickly go by where I’m brushing my teeth, I’m working out, grocery shopping, working on edits, and in the midst of the moment, I forget I’m grieving. Life has happened.

When I smile, or laugh, is when I pop out of it, and realize I’m feeling not sad. I question the happiness.

There are moments I cave, begin to cry again, and fall back in the pool.

Then, sometimes, there’s a nudge… a twist of the shoulder.

Amy, go with it. I want you to laugh. I want you to smile.

And, I do…  Example:

Just the other day, I responded to a text about what Chris and I are doing for Fourth of July. Normally, it’d seem like a boring, neutral text, right? Well, not so much with Maeghan. Before I know it, we’re sending voice texts back and forth of nothing but laughter. I laughed until I cried and none of the tears were from sadness.

Laughs are the tiny cracks in grief. They allow for breath, reprieve from the fog, a quick lesson in life, which is, life has to continue.

Mom has been so close by. She’s been just beyond the veil of life… so close, I feel like I can touch her. I know I’ve felt her hug me. I know I’ve felt the brush of her fingers on my arm. I know she’s been there to pull me out of a hard cry when I’m gasping for air.

From just beyond… on the other side, a slight whisp of air touches my ear. No, not literally, but almost… almost.

It’s so clear, I hear…

Breathe, Amy. Breathe. I’m here. Just breathe.

When I’m floundering in the pool of grief, Mom throws me a life saver.

I choose to believe she has a lifetime supply of those touches and whispers. I know I’ll need them for as long as I live.

Yes, for now, in this early phase of grief, I’ll need a lot.

As time goes, I’ll need fewer.

Then, BAM, it’ll all creep back, and I’ll end up in the pool again.

She’ll be there.

The funny thing about the pool and lifesaver analogy is… Mom wasn’t a fan of water or swimming. She hardly ever got in the deep end of the pool.

Thankfully, she was great at life, and being a mom. She can be my lifeguard from the other side any day. Whether she quietly brushes by, or takes hold, and shakes me, I’ll welcome her.

I’ll ride freely through the ups and downs. I’ll feel the sadness. Cry. Scream. Laugh. Cry again. But, no matter what, I won’t stop riding.

Until next time…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 Comments

Filed under May 2016

Embrace Your Journey

My, oh, my…  has 2015 been full of unexpected twists and turns.

First, I rang in the new year with the excitement of working with a publisher.

Second, the hard decision of postponing my publish date.

Third, another hard decision of leaving my publisher. I haven’t written about this or made a huge announcement about it. It was a very personal decision on how I want to go about writing, editing, and publishing my book. I may share more later, but as of right now, I’ll just say I’m looking at my options. No matter what, my goal is a Fall 2016 release.

Fourth, the choice my husband and I made to sell our house in South Carolina and permanently move to Vermont. That moved along faster than we ever thought. Our house sold two weeks after putting it on the market, and as of October, 6th, we’ll be headed to Vermont to start a new chapter in our life.

Fifth, I reached out to my free lance editor, and we’ve made an agreement to move forward as a team. My deadline to have The Christmas Key to her is at the end of October. I’m so happy to be working with her again. I see many wonderful things happening in the future and my plans for this book have been taken to a new level.

Sixth, I’ve made a rough sketch for my NaNoWriMo story and I plan on making a few more so I’ll have a choice of which story I want to write. I’d like to go outside my comfort zone and NaNo is always a perfect time to try something new. It seems that’s what 2015 is all about, so why not embrace it in a new story?

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last eight months, it’s to not fight what life is trying to send my way. The best way to grow, learn, and enjoy life is to seize it in its entirety– the smooth parts, the rough spots, the twists, and turns. The mixture and blending of life experiences is what it’s all about.

Don’t forget to look out the window while on your journey. There might be a fun side street you’d like to explore.  

Until next time…

4 Comments

Filed under August 2015

Cha-cha-cha- changes…

My life has had many ‘bottom of the mountain’ and ‘top of the mountain’ moments– hills, valleys, twists, and turns. Needless to say, I’ve never been scared of change. To me, life isn’t about staying in the same place, doing the same thing, and never switching things up.

Life is meant to be lived fully, experienced completely, and embraced wholeheartedly.

If we crawl under the covers and hide every time life throws us a curve ball, we’d never get out of it what we should. Shifts in life shape us, make us who we are, and give us the stories that make us laugh, cry, smile, and reminiscence when we tell them.

All this being said, yes, I have changes in my near future. For those who are my Facebook friends, you’ve probably already seen it. For others, here it is:

My husband and I are selling our lake house in South Carolina and permanently moving to our home in Vermont. No more going between– no more back and forth. It’s time to downsize. It’s time to simplify. It’s time for a change.

I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel lost. I don’t feel scared. I feel it’s right.

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Chris and I talked about it in great detail, and even though we love the water, and we love our lake house, it’s time to let it go. We built it with love, and we will let go of it with love, knowing another family will create many memories there– just as we have.

Life in Vermont is what we crave. It’s nature, peace, serenity, and simplicity. We look forward to getting down to basics and enjoying life without weight. We’ll be able to get outside and enjoy nature in ways we love– hiking, biking, snowshoeing, etc… We can also get more involved in the community of Stowe like we want to.

From my hike this morning.

From my hike this morning.

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From my hike this morning.

From my hike this morning.

From my hike this morning.

It’s going to be a big change and the process of such a big move won’t come without its obstacles. The sale of our house in SC could take a month or it could take a year– who knows– but, in the end, with a smile on our face, Chris and I will stand on our deck in the woods and cheers each other with a big ole glass of wine, knowing it’s where we want to be.

The lesson here?

Don’t be scared to take a huge leap of faith to get where you want to be. Don’t let the process of the “sale” make you postpone your dreams. Life is all about changing and growing, and it’s not to be feared, it’s to be embraced.

Life is short. Go find your dream. Go places you wan to go. Go get what you want. Don’t let anyone, or anything, stop you.

Life is meant to be lived without reservations.

Until next time…

4 Comments

Filed under July 2015

Lessons Learned

A little over a year ago, I made a conscious decision to be more reflective and introspective. In doing so, I’ve learned a lot about myself (and others). If you don’t mind, I’d like to share what I’ve learned (in no certain order):

  • (I’ve learned) how to have peace in the midst of a storm.
  • (I’ve learned) how to write (a little) better than the year before.
  • (I’ve learned) more about my body, the changes it’s determined to make, and how to deal with them.
  • (I’ve learned) how to be quiet (sometimes more than others).
  • (I’ve learned) who are my real friends and who are not.
  • (I’ve learned) I have to exercise no matter how much I hate it.
  • (I’ve learned) I don’t need, or want, to eat protein that comes from an animal that has fur, feathers, or a cute squiggly tail.
  • (I’ve learned) it’s okay to be sad sometimes.
  • (I’ve learned) it’s okay to be mad sometimes.
  • (I’ve learned) complaining doesn’t change a bad situation– action does.
  • (I’ve learned) fake people are easy to spot and who has time for such people? I don’t.
  • (I’ve learned) life can be really difficult, but with the right people around me, the hard times are manageable.
  • (I’ve learned) saying “I care” is way better (and more important) than saying “I don’t care.”
  • (I’ve learned) beauty isn’t about how my hair, skin, and body looks. It’s about being kind, loving, giving, and grateful.
  • (I’ve learned) how to be more vulnerable.
  • (I’ve learned) how to let go of toxic people and situations.
  • (I’ve learned) walking away from something that’s not working, or doesn’t feel right, is okay.
  • (I’ve learned) to love who I am– just as I am.

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If you slow down a bit– listen, meditate, and allow yourself to be open– life will show you and teach you so much about yourself. Don’t let this busy world, and rat-race of a life, jade you and wear you down. Make a deliberate decision to learn something new about yourself, about your life’s journey, and about what you may need to change to get where you’d like to be.

Life is a beautiful thing, so take the time to soak in what all it has to teach you.

Until next time…

Everyday meditation:

Love life. Be Kind. Be genuine. Eliminate the negative, false, and vain. Peace, love, and happiness to all. 

2 Comments

Filed under June 2015

Reassessing Life

peace

Reassessing your life– how often do you do it? Do you ever sit back and think hard about what’s important or not important to you?

Things change in life. People change. Therefore, our priorities change.

Taking stock of our lives is so important. It’s crucial for us to know who we are inside, where we’re going with our lives, and how we’re going to go about reaching our life’s dreams and goals.

Recently, I’ve done a lot of thinking, meditating, and soul-searching– reaching deep inside myself and looking beyond the surface of everyday life. Listening to myself. Finding peace. Eliminating drama. Finding happiness in simplicity. Letting go of negativity. Ridding myself of chaos. Canceling out the loud. Enjoying the quiet.

I have to tell you, it’s an amazing thing. It’s cleansing. It’s freeing. It’s necessary.

I’m learning to love my positive traits and accept my negative ones. There are lessons in our faults. We all have them. I used to try to explain them away. Justify them. Apologize for them. Not anymore. I will hold them close, and try to improve, but never will I think less of myself because of them.

Happiness means different things to different people. I wish for all who read this, you fill your life with happiness and love. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Release bitterness and breathe in love.

There’s joy in putting out positive light and enjoying life in all its beauty. May we all find that joy.

Love to you all.

Until next time…

4 Comments

Filed under October 2014