Conflict and confrontation… I avoid them at all cost. I hate them with a passion. It’s who I am and I’ve been this way since I was child.
When some people would face issues head-on and speak their opinion, I normally stay quiet and put space between me and uncomfortable situations.
Just because I don’t always speak up, doesn’t mean I’m on board with something. In all honesty, some people say they’re okay with something to make other people happy or to save face so they don’t have to reveal what they truly feel.
My silence speaks more honestly than those who pacify with words.
I know I have a right to my feelings. I know I have a right to speak my feelings. The problem is, when I know my thoughts and feelings are going to be null and void, or compared to how others are feeling, and/or I’ll be the outsider no matter what I say, I’ll just hang back and feel my feelings without the need to express them. It’s better for me that way.
I also can’t stand when someone always tries to one-up other people’s feelings with their own. Their feelings are more important, have more weight, and mean more, so why express mine? That’s how I feel.
Just because I don’t always speak up, doesn’t mean I’m putting my feelings aside to pacify others. I just don’t feel I have to throw up my feelings for all to hear. I think it’s okay to stay in respective corners and move along with life.
There are people who surround themselves with only those who fill their glass with something they like to taste, who pat them on the back and make them feel good, who feed them verses that justify.
Like I was told as a child… “Birds of feather all flock together.”
Me? I tend to have all kinds of different feathers, which normally doesn’t fit in the mold of life that others like or require.
I’ll be the lone bird with colorful feathers. I’m cool with that. Actually, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So, some would ask, “Amy, do you only speak your mind when it fits with those around you and when it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable?”
My answer is this: No, not necessarily. I speak my mind often. However, I am choosy about who I speak my mind with. I’ve learned some people say they’re okay about me speaking my mind, but, in reality, they never make me feel that way. In these cases, silence is my go-to. And, guess what? That’s my prerogative.
Do I wish I could be straight forward? Do I wish I could say what I feel without second thought? Do I wish I could be blunt?
Hmmm… no, not really. Maybe sometimes, but with my personality, I’ll spend days recounting my words over and over and over again, feeling guilty and wishing I hadn’t. It’s just not who I am. I’m one who spends excruciating time trying to figure out what to say and when to say it. Yes, it can be a pain, but I’ve learned to embrace it.
Some would probably say I hide behind this blog and written words. Okay. I’ll take that. Writing has always been my way of expression and I’m okay with it.
Until next time….